Helga's Mail Room - Your Daily Dose of Circumcision

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Carole & Richard Stephan
SENT: Apr 7 2007 8:15AM
SUBJECT:Breeders Throw Down Gauntlet

And without breeding, where would you be?
...CLICK TO READ

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4/7/2007 12:00:01 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Apr 7 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:The God Gene

Do not breed. Nothing gives less pleasure than childbearing. Pregnancies are damaging to health, spoil the figure, wither the charms, and it’s the cloud of uncertainty forever hanging over these events that darkens a husband’s mood.

- Marquis de...CLICK TO READ

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3/27/2007 9:35:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Paige Dalton
SENT: Mar 24 2007 8:45PM
SUBJECT:Shave or Wax? That is the Question.

I love you. I just want to know-do you shave or do you wax?. I need a clean landing strip for what I want to do to you. Can you lose the Britney Spears wig?? I prefer redheads and six-inch stillettos. Im getting hot just thinking about getting freak...CLICK TO READ

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3/27/2007 9:19:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: BEASTYGIRL10
SENT: Mar 24 2007 7:14AM
SUBJECT:One of Many Pathetic Insults

fag...CLICK TO READ

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3/24/2007 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Mar 24 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter of Excuses

On your knees! It’s Helga Mohammed el-Salami,

Liquid Generation’s uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and sometimes, I think my 486 mini-tower has a higher IQ than the lot of you. Indeed, talking to most people, I find myself swimming in a ...CLICK TO READ

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3/9/2007 11:54:21 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Mar 9 2007 11:54PM
SUBJECT:Inconvenient Truth Up Your Convenient Ass

So now that the celebrities are on the Global Warming kick along with their robotic spokesmodel, all you neophyte environmentalists have replaced your light bulbs, bought Priuses and started turning down your air conditioning. Congratulations. I hop...CLICK TO READ

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3/2/2007 6:07:03 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Mar 2 2007 6:07PM
SUBJECT:Flush the Oscars down the PC Toilet

If Jennifer Hudson were white, would there really be the endless, aimless praise showered upon her? Are the photons not being reflected properly off of her skin for all the photo receptor cells to register an image of what she really is? A FATASS??...CLICK TO READ

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2/23/2007 7:47:58 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Ashley
SENT: Feb 15 2007 5:29PM
SUBJECT:Anna Nicole Obituary

You obituary of Anna Nicole Smith was completely insensitive and inappropriate for a recently deceased mother of two.

How would you like it if you died and someone wrote such insensitive things about you? I know that you think your edgy with all ...CLICK TO READ

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2/22/2007 7:16:42 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: DAVID BROWN
SENT: Feb 18 2007 12:27AM
SUBJECT:Punk Ass

Dont appereciate the offensive comments when trying to unsubscribe keep your comments to yourself dont need the harrasment. People have been sued for less....CLICK TO READ

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2/13/2007 2:17:19 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Zenaida de la Cruz
SENT: Feb 12 2007 6:10AM
SUBJECT:The Geetha letters

Dear Helga,

Well, to be fair, your attacks on India were uncalled for. You wrote,

And how cute of you to bring India into your pathetic, incoherent argument. What is it that it is good at again? Oh yes, it excelled at being conquered...CLICK TO READ

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2/10/2007 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Feb 10 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Anna Nicole Smith Obituary

Dear Grief-Stricken Media Junkies,

I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s eulogizing uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual. Today, the world is a bit lighter, after losing our beloved extra juicy pinup: Anna Nicole Smith.

Born...CLICK TO READ

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2/8/2007 2:14:21 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: FAITH
SENT: Feb 8 2007 9:15PM
SUBJECT:well...

STOP SENDING ME EMAIL! YOU GUYS ARE THE WORST PEOPLE EVER! THIS IS MY DAUGHTER'S E-MAIL AND EVER SINCE SHE GETS YOUR E-MAIL, SHE STARTS SWEARING LIKE

MOMIE... DON'T BE A BEOTCH!!!!

SHE IS GROWING UP A GANGSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!! STOP SENDING TH...CLICK TO READ

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2/3/2007 6:51:29 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Feb 3 2007 6:51AM
SUBJECT:Japonais Refuses to Honor Reservation Time

Dear Japonais,

On January 27th, in the year of our Lord and Savior, 2007, I attempted to have dinner at the restaurant. Being an experienced Japonais diner, I made reservations nearly a month in advance. One would think that such diligence would ...CLICK TO READ

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1/27/2007 2:30:05 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga
SENT: Jan 27 2007 2:30PM
SUBJECT:Sports Club LA Westwood

Helga's Note:

I actually wrote this complaint several months ago but wanted to give the company opportunity to respond before making this public. They never so much as wrote me back to address my concerns but rather happily cancelled my membershi...CLICK TO READ

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1/18/2007 11:27:14 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Kenneth Hobbs
SENT: Jan 13 2007 3:24PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Helga,
ebonics a beautiful language? your circadian rhythm is set on African time? Do you honestly believe this? other than native Americans everyone came from another country and many against there will; while not as slaves they still were forced ...CLICK TO READ

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1/16/2007 4:18:27 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: kathryn fabian
SENT: Jan 14 2007 8:05AM
SUBJECT:COMMENT ON MLK NEWSLETTER

In response to your comments in the Martin Luther King Day newsletter:

Ebonics, when considered linguistically is in fact a language, with its own grammatical rules and function. Any linguist will be happy to share that the negative connotation ...CLICK TO READ

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1/13/2007 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jan 13 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Happy Martin Luther King Day!

Wassup brothas and sistas!

This is Helga Mohammed el-Salami Washington and I would like to wish you a happy Martin Luther King Day!

In honor of my own African heritage, which I trace back to roughly 48,000 B.C., I would like to highlight the...CLICK TO READ

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1/5/2007 10:23:05 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Alex
SENT: Dec 27 2006 7:53AM
SUBJECT:Mailroom

I’ve tried many times to e-mail you, saying that I did not sign up for this, I don’t know how you got my screen name, but stop sending me letters! I’m too young for this website anyway…STOP E-MAILING ME ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!
I will report this website...CLICK TO READ

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1/5/2007 10:10:05 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: bailey weaver
SENT: Dec 8 2006 12:54PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Dear helga,
I love you soooo much ive been readign your guyes new letter for about a year now! i all ways have have lots of fun when im reading about you or Elmo i love you guys peace out with love for yours truly Bay-Lee
...CLICK TO READ

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12/19/2006 10:22:43 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: WILLIAM GAUDET
SENT: Dec 16 2006 1:51PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Helga, What the hell happened???? I emailed you back in early November and since have not received

my weekly LG emag. Do you hate me, gone out of business, or just gotten spaced out with those

LA loonies. I enjoy my weekly LG and look forward...CLICK TO READ

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12/7/2006 8:33:06 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Dane Riley
SENT: Dec 2 2006 2:03PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

once and a while i actually look at the email your website sends me and everytime all i see is you being a c**t to everyone and trying to start some religion war and get recognition for being a transexual. what are you trying to prove? i think your ...CLICK TO READ

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12/2/2006 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Dec 2 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Helga Responds to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Open Letter

An open letter from
Helga Mohammed el-Salami,
Code-Bitch-In-Chief
and uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual,

Liquid Generation

O almighty Double-you
I pray that you bestow
Your blessed grace and mercy
On Persians down below.

to...CLICK TO READ

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11/21/2006 9:03:05 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Nov 20 2006 8:00PM
SUBJECT:Restaurant Complaint: Dolce of Aston Kutcher Fame

Dear Ashton Kutcher,

On Saturday, November 18th, in the year of our Lord and Savior: 2006, I dined at Dolce Enoteca, your Italian/American fusion/fission restaurant/bar. May the good Lord rest my digestive system.

I won’t complain about the mo...CLICK TO READ

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11/8/2006 11:00:41 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: WILLIAM GAUDET
SENT: Nov 4 2006 4:34PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Helga;

Where in the hell did you learn to hold an "automatic" water cannon? Your last poison pen letter writher would have us think that it's loaded with SCUM. I personally believe that your "sick" humor brightens up the day for many of your loy...CLICK TO READ

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11/7/2006 9:50:00 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Lisa Ackerman
SENT: Nov 6 2006 6:14AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Hi Helga. I've been missing you. So much has happened in my life since we last messaged. My Mom passed away, then I was in the hospital with diabetes complications. I've been so depressed and lonely, even though I'm happily married with a great ...CLICK TO READ

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11/7/2006 11:46:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Marinet van Wanrooy
SENT: Nov 5 2006 12:33AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Hi.

I get so irritated of people who send LG a letter where they explain in how discusted the get from your stories/opions etc...how they get sick by only reading your collums.

dear people full of s**t: if you all get so offendend, just don't ...CLICK TO READ

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11/6/2006 11:42:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Butch Holland
SENT: Nov 5 2006 11:15AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

I just watched newseverse and the loop music played after it's over is still comeing thru my speakers even after closing my entire browser.Think you my have a technical clitch..ctrl/alt/del would not even fix.Gotta reboot.

I am on cable if that h...CLICK TO READ

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11/4/2006 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Nov 4 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:West Hollywood Hates Black Transsexuals

Brothas and Sistas in Black,

I am Helga LaShaunda el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s most Afro-centric uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual and the best costume award should have been mine this Halloween. I should have won.

The fact that I di...CLICK TO READ

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10/24/2006 10:05:35 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Chaos Central
SENT: Sep 30 2006 1:23PM
SUBJECT:Mailroom

Speaking as a Catholic Canadian Vegetarian, fuck yourself.

I see no point in trying to argue your thoughts as I know to never argue with an idiot. Besides, opinions are like ass****s, everyone has one and they are usually full of s**t.

Hav...CLICK TO READ

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10/4/2006 9:38:25 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: keri myers
SENT: Sep 30 2006 11:14AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

you do look like a fag!!!! your nothing like Paris Hilton. you need to take that s**ty pic off and dont send s**t like that to anyboby. ...CLICK TO READ

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9/30/2006 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Sep 30 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Recall Pope Benedict

Dear Militant Liquid Generation Devotees,

I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s most pious uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual, and I wanted to spend my brief time with you this month to declare jihad on Pope Benedict XVI and he...CLICK TO READ

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9/15/2006 9:04:55 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Catherine
SENT: Sep 10 2006 8:57PM
SUBJECT:Mailroom

Dear Helga,

Hello. How's Caley treating you? I'm from Chicago and I know you have to be missing it. Anywhoo, I'm writing in regards to Nemanja Ristic's letter to you. Don't change a thing Helga. We love ya just the way you are. Thank God only a ...CLICK TO READ

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9/14/2006 5:50:47 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Tausif
SENT: Sep 14 2006 12:16PM
SUBJECT:Mailroom

helga, should i shave my p***y or leave the hair alone? really would love your imput on this matter. love your advice. read it a lot. thanks.
miss shaved kitty
...CLICK TO READ

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9/14/2006 10:54:03 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: jedidja farahnaz
SENT: Sep 8 2006 9:16AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

hi there
i must say i really enjoy these e-mails
and it brings me on ideas
you know i live in holland
close to amsterdam
and if you like you can start a collum at here
and why not take a visit at my city
i know you r gonna like it here
i mus...CLICK TO READ

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9/14/2006 10:17:09 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Breanna Jackson
SENT: Sep 6 2006 3:46PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

THAT'S IT!!!
I am SO SO SO SO SO sick of everyone having a huge go at poor innocent Helga! The fact of the matter is, they care about you're opinions and hate themselves for it, we, the teenager nerds with nothing better to do register to your new...CLICK TO READ

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9/13/2006 10:29:29 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: TED CSONTOS
SENT: Sep 3 2006 5:28AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

SHE'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Eyegor, SHE'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so worried that I haven't heard back from you, both about your
physical and mental well being.

Well, 1 outta 2 is better than a sharp kick in the ass.................

Warmes...CLICK TO READ

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9/12/2006 9:11:46 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Lisa Ackerman
SENT: Sep 3 2006 4:48AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Dear Sweet, Gorgeous Helga,
Lisa here. I just about pissef myself with excitement when I saw you were heading up the LG newsletter this time. Once again, the s**t people of the world who are NOT capable of love, laughter, or the persuit of "bit...CLICK TO READ

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9/8/2006 11:30:33 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Nemanja Ristic
SENT: Sep 3 2006 12:09AM
SUBJECT:LvoveHate mail

Hi. You have a great web site, and that almost every joke on it crack me up. Keep up the good work. But, one thing. Why do you always answer e mails with sarcazm? Sometimes you are just not right. Is your ego so big that you think that you are alway...CLICK TO READ

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9/8/2006 11:30:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: chop suey
SENT: Sep 2 2006 12:24PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

Dear Helga,

I’m sorry to tell you, but your writing skills aren't much to brag about. I noticed you wrote a bit about “incompetence” on your last newsletter. Well, It was a horrible story, told by a horrible writer. In fact, it just might have b...CLICK TO READ

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9/6/2006 5:53:29 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Jeremy Burton
SENT: Sep 2 2006 1:38PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love! -- LA Issue

Helga,

Yes, Los Angeles is not Chicago -PERIOD-

Yes, Southern Californians have a less 'stressed' environment (i.e. weather, less darkness, wealth of outdoor activities, etc...). But, to equate the whole of Los Angeles in that dismal state ...CLICK TO READ

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9/2/2006 12:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Sep 2 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter 9/2/2006 - LA Restaurants Suck

Dear Fellow Service Mongers,

I am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most spoiled uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual and you should never dine in the city of Los Angeles.

Perhaps I have been spoiled by the city of big shoulders (and eve...CLICK TO READ

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9/1/2006 3:30:31 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: tori brunsden
SENT: Aug 17 2006 12:22PM
SUBJECT:Mailroom

i was doing a colour blid test with my son who is age 5 i was not enpressed to see your advert that came on my screen with a woman who had blood all other her and knives sticking out of her i find this sick a uttly discusting as my son has been havi...CLICK TO READ

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8/25/2006 9:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Gretchen Sesing
SENT: Aug 6 2006 4:08PM
SUBJECT:Mailroom (please read!)

Darling Helga...

Had to drop a line. Been browsing your "side splitters" for a bit. Between my Miller Lite, Marlboros, and your wit.. it's been a very entertaining hour. Props to you. ;-)

But the part I had to comment on was your poem in res...CLICK TO READ

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8/24/2006 9:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Tonya S
SENT: Aug 6 2006 2:25PM
SUBJECT:Osama's Poetry

Darling Helga...

Had to drop a line. Been browsing your "side splitters" for a bit. Between my Miller Lite, Marlboros, and your wit.. it's been a very entertaining hour. Props to you. ;-)

But the part I had to comment on was your poem in res...CLICK TO READ

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8/23/2006 9:43:15 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: elle binsan
SENT: Aug 6 2006 12:34PM
SUBJECT:Mailroom

oh you are just so infuriating, i NEVER joined your mailing list so please disist sending me these obscene rude newsletters! i do not care for your mel gibson impression or your oh so disastrous games so just stop it! and your wit displeases me as w...CLICK TO READ

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8/10/2006 11:39:27 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Jonathan Schoenlein
SENT: Dec 9 2001 3:30PM
SUBJECT:Re: LiQUiDGENERATiON Newsletter

Hi,

I'm not exactly sure how you guys got my e-mail address (Probably my brother gave it out). I have no problems with people sending me stuff. Every other day I log on to the internet, though, I at least hope someone I know would send me an ...CLICK TO READ

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8/8/2006 6:00:00 PM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Carly Sutliff
SENT: Aug 5 2006 5:57PM
SUBJECT:I <3 you

Dear Helga,

You are one of my many personal heros. Personally I don't think it was right for Sharon to insult you like that and your right...she didnt have to read your newsletter! And I was highly offended by Dillon Fleming's letter. I love tra...CLICK TO READ

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8/8/2006 6:00:00 AM

-----Original Message-----
FROM: Courtney
SENT: Aug 3 2006 3:41PM
SUBJECT:Newsletter Love!

When i read your emails to other people i sometimes cant help but laugh at how stupid those people can act. i can understand why kenny got all pissed but if that sandra girl didnt expect to be criticized for what she wrote to you she is one of the s...CLICK TO READ

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