-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Mar 27 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Islam Newsletter
A salaam alaikum! This is Helga The Mohammed al-Salami, and yes, I have decided to convert to Islam.
Don’t bother arguing, I’ve made up my mind. I will join the holy ranks of Mike Tyson, Muammar Gadhafi, and my office building’s parolee janitor.
Why am I doing this you ask? Here are my top 5 reasons:
5.) No Shaving. Ever. Whether one is male or female is not important. Think of the money to be saved on hair management accessories. If Andre 3000 wears a turban, so can I! Best sell your Gillette stock now.
4.) Holiness. Walk the streets randomly chanting things like “Allah Akbar Snappleberry” or “Halal creme pudding” or “Elijah Oprah Winfrey”. If people stare, point and scream: “Repent ye sinner! Save yourself from the Great Satanovski”!
3.) Arranged Marriage. No matter how ugly I am, someone will have to share my bed. Besides, whom better to pick my lifelong sexual partner than my hipster parents? I don’t know about yours, but mine have an excellent track record going back to junior high.
2.) Prayer. 5 sets of 10 reps daily. Bitch about your life to Allah and get a workout all in one! A couple weeks of this kneeling and bowing and my abs will be ready for the Iron Transsexual competition where I will declare a carb-free Jihad on my infidel competitors. YEEE-HAAAW!!!
1.) And FINALLY, the number one reason I am converting to Islam:
70+ virgins.
I only wonder if you can mix and match the sexes. I’d do like 10 guys and 60+ girls and start a production company. I’d even take 35 virgins and one complete slut who can teach everybody else how to whore around.
When does Allah send down the headshots?
ila l-liqa' (go without fear)