-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: May 22 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Fatass Newsletter
What a piece of work is a transsexual. How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and movement, how express and admirable. In action how like an angel, in apprehension, how like a god.
-- Helga.
Dear Fatasses,
I’m Helga, LiquidGeneration’s most eligible transsexual and I would like to welcome you to summer in Chicago.
Sadly, along with all of the eye-candy (which we spend a good chunk of the day monitoring from our windows) come some truly horrifying sights. The other day, I saw a woman whose entire 300 lb. frame was clearly in town for the Jerry Springer Show, but she was nonetheless convinced that she was Britney Spears and dressed accordingly.
I understand that much of it has to do with the fashions of the day, but if you think that low-rider jeans are equal opportunity then you are dumber than Jessica Simpson.
I have decided to compile a list of terms that describe the types of fat found on most big-boned, I-only-eat-salad-with-blue-cheese-dressing-kinds of fat girls.
- Fatty Tuna Rolls - The pinched fat on or around the hips caused by low-rise pants in size 4 when you are really a size 12.
- Skate Wings - The puckered fat hanging from the triceps (underarms) similar in texture to the eponymous fish and revealed by teeny-weeny tank tops.
- Pulled Pork - The red-tinted stretch marks on one’s underbelly made visible by a combination of low-rise pants and tiny tanks.
- Sausage Links - The obvious similarity of obese fingers to the summer barbeque delicacy. Those afflicted should be required to wear mittens year round.
- Tootsie Rolls - The somewhat utilitarian back fat often accentuated by brassieres purchased 4 years and 50 pounds ago. I have seen these large enough to provide temporary storage for things like remote controls and chicken wings.
- Bone-in Rib Eye (also known as the cankle) - This phenomenon is seen in short-wearers whose calf connects directly to the foot. No ankle.
- Passion Fruit Souffle - Sometimes when the breasts outgrow the bra they simply spill over it like a muffin top or a rising souffle. Too much of these is probably how you got into this whole mess anyway.
- Jelly Bellies - This one should be self-explanatory. And disgusting.
- Amuse Course - Ever get a HUGE plate with an itsy bit of fancy food? Just like a face adrift in multiple chin and cheek fat.
- Double Burger - Sometimes when the stomach extends forward past the breasts, it can provide adequate support without requiring a bra. I bet this looks really funny upside down.
If you have any of the items on this list then get off your fat, lazy ass and get to the gym. In the meanwhile, try to shop someplace more appropriate...like Lane Bryant.
Helga
Fitness Expert to the Ugly