-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Feb 27 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Southbeach Homosexuals
This is Helga, LiquidGeneration’s beloved pre-operative M2F reporting live from South Miami Beach!
I arrived expecting to see beautiful people, drink fabulous margaritas and swim naked in your grandma’s swimming pool. Instead, I see nothing but designer wannabes, overpriced alcohol and some kind of invisible perimeter for anyone over 40. This is not necessarily a bad thing unless you are indeed a hotshot fashion designer and want to mingle with young boys. Just make sure not to have marble steps in your doorway because should anything happen to you there, marble soaks up blood which could really affect resale value.
Anyway, I am having so much fun here that I feel like a new man/woman. I want to buy a house but don’t think the security deposit refund on my 200 sft Chicago apartment would cover the down payment. The only things that really frighten me about this place is the lack of fashion sense and the supreme attitude to the contrary that accompanies it.
I mean grow up and smell the p***y-willows you buncha Fab 5 wannabes. You are SO has been! I am done with your holy air, your grotesque fashion sensibilities and your misconception that experience in rough-putting somehow equates to interior decorating talent.
Several years ago, you gave us Capri pants to show off your flat, hairy calves. Then, you started to button the middle suit coat button without buttoning the top one. If you want a little more breathing room, lose some weight; or at least go get a suit from Sears. They specialize in the softer side. Don’t pretend it’s fashionable to look like a shoe salesman. And now…it’s the ties…the super short ones with huge misshapen knots. COME ON!!! Isn’t it bad enough that you look like you went shopping in the little boy’s section of K-mart without also having to look as though one of them tied the knot for you??? Ugly Bastards.
If you call yourselves men, I am glad I will soon no longer be one.