-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jan 2 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Joys of Smoking
I am Helga The Help and I would like to welcome you to the New Year!
Like many of you, I have resolved to begin 2004 with several behavioral modifications. Although most of them are not suitable for an LG Newsletter, I am happy to say that atop my list is something that many of you already do.
I am going to start smoking.
No longer will I to spend 18 hours days in uninterrupted programming sessions. Just think of how much my productivity would increase if my bloodstream were infused with nicotine and daily grind with 10,000 smoke breaks.
This is to say nothing of the unspoken connection that I would feel with countless other smokers whose persecution has created a bond of magical endurance. Smokers have a built-in ice-breaker in "hey…you gotta light?" and when cigarette lips finally meet, neither really has to worry about bad breath no matter how much Indian food they had for lunch.
Then there is the cool factor. Hollywood has long had a love-affair with the venerable cigarette. Why, with just a little practice, I will be able to look just as good as Greta Garbo with my pouting lips sucking tar into my lungs and my emotions into the heavens. I would learn how to do tricks like blow smoke rings or maybe the oral release/nasal uptake.
I still haven't decided how to hold the cigarettes being kind of torn between index finger/thumb utility and index-middle finger elegance; although I think that this one will be settled when I decide on a brand. I am going to apply the scientific method to the selection process and take into account lawsuit settlements, phallic imagery and rugged advertising campaigns. If all goes well, I will be looking at a smokey 2004 and who knows? Perhaps in 50 years, I too will get to add that really sexy rasp to my voice and parchment feel to my skin.