-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jan 30 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Helga The Mom
Dear Single Teen Mother,
This is Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration's beautiful and articulate pre-operative transsexual. Despite the fact that my teenage years are a distant memory, I too have decided to become a mother. All in all, an offspring is probably the best investment anyone can make. They can fetch your paper in the morning, get a job stitching soccer balls while kicking their wages back to you, and best of all: when you get old and bitter, you can ruin any chances they have to be happy by living with them.
Yep. Helga's gonna reproduce!
And why shouldn't I? Unlike most of you, I have the maturity to know that just having a man ain't enough. I am a great-looking, stable, well-adjusted man/woman with a great job and outstanding dental benefits. It would be selfish of me not to share such social supremacy with an offspring.
Unfortunately, there are complications. See, in America, the mother has complete control of all fetus-related issues pretty much until the moment it pops out of her. Since biologically, I do not fit the definition (yet), I would need to outsource the actual pregnancy to a third party - Michael Jackson style. Besides, everyone is outsourcing these days, why shouldn't I? Only the hell if I'm going to allow some incubator to make decisions about MY fertilized egg! Ha!
The solution: I'm going to get my swaparoo done in the first trimester! Then, I'm going to start making decisions concerning my soon-to-be-born servant. When the egg-factory objects, I'm going to scream in my Billy Bob Thornton accent: "Shaddup you pot-bellied ho! I'm the momma here!" Perhaps I'll add a punch to the chops for effect.
In a few years, while all of your investments are still in the toilet, my returns will be flying as high as an African Vulture.
Love,
Helga The Help