-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jul 17 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Cannibalism Newsletter
Restaurant wait-staff is the last vestige of society over which suburban housewives try to feel superior.
-- Helga.
Dear Old-fashioned Young People,
I’‘m Helga, LiquidGeneration’‘s only surviving pre-operative transsexual and I believe that time is long overdue to re-implement an old custom: cannibalism.
Dating back to times pre-historic, people snacking on people was never a thing of shame or grotesquery but rather a symbol of respect. You ate your enemy’‘s heart if you valued his bravery, his brain if you respected his intellect and his large intestine if you were jealous of his ability to pass gas at several different octaves in one discharge.
It is really a shame that we in the civilized world attach such a stigma to cannibalism because with all of the advancements in the culinary arts, I can think of several outstanding dishes every person would enjoy.
- Foie Gras de Homo Sapien - This delicacy would not even require force-feed tubes as most people are so obese anyway that their livers are probably 10 times the size of any self-respecting duck. Yum. Just please -- no alcoholics That would be gross.
- Humanus Parmesanus - Like the mouth-watering veal dish, chefs would select only the most immobile children from large farms where they would be encouraged to play as much Playstation and Xbox as they can stomach and then required to play more!!! No need for expensive steel cages or foot shackles.
- Intelligent Sweetbreads - for this culinary delight, chefs would select only the smartest, most gifted persons who scored in the 95th percentile or higher on their SATs.
- Vermicelli Lecterini - After the famed psychiatrist from the Thomas Harris novels, this low-carb dish will be made exclusively from the lightly seasoned hair of Atkins dieters. Best when paired with fava beans and a nice Chianti. Efefefefefef!
- Donner Party to Go! - Don’‘t take a long trip without these! More than just a catchy name, this tasty snack will consist of lightly browned, thinly sliced butt steaks perfect for the cannibalistic sales road-warrior.
- Filet O’‘Dahmer - This pioneer in human gastronomy now shares his experience with you. Rest assured that after his 12 step program, you’‘ll be an expert at selecting the tastiest homosexuals for your family get-together.
- Salt ‘‘N Peppa - This delicious seasoning will add flavah to even the dullest dishes as its secret ingredient is dried flakes of bi-racial stand-up comedians.
I typically outsource all of my food preparation and am no expert in the culinary arts so can you imagine the wonders a professional chef could unleash on the gastronomical markets?
Licking My Chops,
Helga
RedBull Drinker/Wierdo