-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Oct 9 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:LiquidGeneration Newsletter
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to be two opposed sexes at the same time and still retain the ability to get an erection.
-- Helga.
Dear trophy girlfriends,
I am Helga, LiquidGeneration’s most astonishing transsexual and you are nothing more than another of your boys’ toys.
Many of you are too ugly to be compared to cars and would find more in common with an 18-speed from Wal-Mart, but for those of you who do qualify, I have developed a guide.
If you look like:
Gwenyth Paltrow: you are a Ferrari. Red. He shows you off to his friends and parks you front and center at restaurants. Your job is to look stunning and perform well (you know how!). You are super high-maintenance and your annoying growl is not pleasing to anyone but the driver for short periods of time.
Paris Hilton: Plymouth Prowler. Purple. Even though there was a time when morons paid huge premiums over your sticker price to take your trendy ass home, they soon discovered that the owner’s club wasn’t that exclusive and the bath they took on trade-in was in nursing home bathwater.
Mischa Barton: Porsche Boxter. You are tiny and peppy but can easily be spanked on the open road by any turbo-charged Subaru for half your sticker price. You’re high-maintenance and have no trunk space, so you break if anyone tries to force in that extra set of golf clubs.
Jennifer Lopez: Honda Civic with about 50K of aftermarket add-ons. Sure you’ve got the moves and can spank a Ferrari on 0-60 with all of your nitro-sniffing, fuel-injected garbage, but strip away all the layers and you’re nothing more than a mass-produced crotch-rocket. Oh, and your driver used to steal car stereos.
Kathie Lee Gifford: 1994 Mercedes S500 sedan. There was a time when you were beautiful and exclusive but now you just look like a tank sitting in the driveway. Better watch it cuz with your faded interior and dimmed headlights, you could easily be traded straight up for a new entry level BMW.
Camryn Manheim: Ford Windstar Minivan. You aren’t even that useful because you have only one sliding door. You have lots of dings, just like your stretch marks, because your owner doesn’t really care how many shopping carts hit you at the supermarket. You crave to be driven hard but as soon as anyone steps on the gas you sputter and crawl.
So please! Get over yourself and let those of us who normally can’t afford you hitch a ride!
Love,
Helga
Programmer/Bubble Butt