-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Nov 13 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:LiquidGeneration Newsletter
The thermometer of success is merely the jealousy of the malcontents who don’t like to stick thermometers in their butt.
-- Helga.
Dear Ara-Fatties,
I am Helga The Help and Yasser Arafat died like a wimp. Please understand that I held no personal grudges against him even though I had called for an end to Middle Eastern violence several times before and no one was lining up to give me a Nobel Peace Prize.
Even though I find it quite appropriate that he chose a French hospital as the site of his last surrender, I still think that Y-money was a living tribute to survival. Living into your 70s in the Middle East is impressive enough but when you have as many ill-wishers as he did it’s pure mastery. For someone like that, death should not come gnawing like some vermin. It should be an event to rival Fat Mama Cass’ ham sandwich.
Here are the top 5 ways the Chairman should have died:
- Star in a beheading video. The Oscars have always shunned these screen gems but with Arafat as the star, I think they may relent. If not, the head itself can be sent, Braveheart-style, to Dan Glickman, the new head of the MPAA. Why Mr. Glickman? I just think he would look fabulous in Arafat’s kaffiyeh. (headgear)
- Carve the "Road Map" for peace into his belly. Fraternity pledges get tattoos on their ankles to prove their loyalty. Gangsters get scars on their arms to remember their barrio past. Dying statesmen should knife their agendas into their guts.
- Get chased into a concrete pillar by Israeli paparazzi. Isn’t it about time that someone took away Princess Diana’s monopoly on high-speed tunnel death? And besides, this way he would be all over the radio. And maybe even the rest of the dashboard.
- Perform a striptease in front of the Wailing Wall. I’m sure the Jews wouldn’t be too fond of this and make the offender’s dispatch swift, however, the rest of us would always know his legacy and what they really mean by the term "Gaza Strip."
- And, of course, the number one way Yasser Arafat should have departed this earth: blown himself up. Pretend he’s in a coma, have Ariel Sharon over for his last respects, jump up, scream SIKE! And detonate. What better way to literally show your followers what you’re made of? For anyone considering this, just be sure not to eat any Chipotle with spicy sauce for lunch or you might "explode" before you explode if you catch my drift.
So there you have them...the 5 greatest methods of statesman-like departure from this planet. I’m Helga The Help. Until next month, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for that hand-grenade.
Love & Pork Rinds,
Helga The Help
Chick With A Stick/ Tranny Tricker