-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jan 8 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter 1-8-2004
Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premise. You will find that one of them is wrong. Or you can check your privates, and you’ll find that that is wrong, too.
-- Helga
Dear New Years’ Resolutionists,
I am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most compassionate, pre-operative transsexual and I want to tell all of you January health nuts to go home and watch some TV. Or better yet, get bent.
I hate this time of year more than any other because I cannot just go to the gym in peace. For the next 4-5 weeks, the place will be teeming with part-time work-out mavens, full-time fatasses like you, taking up space and interrupting my routine. And you wanna know what really bugs me? I don’t care about your bad form or your stupid, pointless shoulder stretches. What truly drives a tack through my toenail is the fact that you think that walking on the treadmill constitutes exercise. There you all are...a sea of pork-rind munching, love-handle-shaking, quadruple-chinned diet-soda swillers stomping in place at 2 miles per hour. I have seen ninjas in wheelchairs less pathetic than the lot of you.
I suppose I shouldn’t be so hard on you. For every gifted weight-lifter such as myself, there is a countless number of folk who know how to do 5 or 6 exercises, have done them every day for the last 10 years, and wonder why they never see any results. I admire their persistence yet chuckle at their stupidity. I don’t want to tell them that one does not become fit doing only bench press any more than one becomes educated doing only 8th grade algebra.
Anyway, as of this writing, I have gone through a torturous week of standing in line and waiting for equipment. My muscles ache as I watch bloated bodies contorting in ways that would make a coroner puke. I want to reach out to you people. Tell you that you’re kidding yourselves and to go home to your couch before you smack yourselves in the face with your 15 pound dumbbell curls. But what I actually want is for a tsunami to wash the lot of you against some barbed wire fencing so I can lift in peace.
Shove that up your Happy New Year.
Love,
Helga
Shaved/Ass Player