-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Dec 11 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter - Holiday Gift Ideas
"It does not matter that only a few in each generation will grasp and achieve the full reality of being a transsexual, and the rest will betray it. It is those few men who wear fishnet stockings and give transsexuality its meaning, and it is those few that I have always sought to address. The rest are no concern of mine; it is not me or LiquidGeneration that they will betray: it is their own souls."
-- Ayn Helga Rand.
Dear Holiday Shopper,
This is Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most conservative, uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and like Oprah, I have put together a list of my favorite things to help you get off your fat, lazy asses and do your shopping for the holiday season. Only unlike the pear-shaped talk-diva, I have showcased gifts that will show your worldliness and interest in global welfare.
- Diamonds. Two months’ salary my squatter’s ass. Maybe at Wal-Mart. Show your support for population control by insisting upon blood-diamonds from ethnically cleansed regions of Africa. Be sure to include a note estimating how many generations will die from machete-driven genocide with your support.
- Ivory. Elephants are ugly and a waste of space. They mostly lumber around scaring the devil out of small animals and don’t help the food cycle one iota since they don’t really have any predators or prey. Put them out of their misery. Spend 100 bucks or more and get your very own sticker from the Local Poacher’s Union.
- Year’s supply of veal. According to the Kinsey report, a reassuring percentage of farm hands have had sexual relations with farm animals. I personally commend those who can expand their companionship horizons beyond their own species and think there should be a separate market for their product. It should include pre-slaughter pictures of the calves in Agent Provocateur lingerie and Burberry footies.
- Gas-guzzling SUV. It is important to show your support for the troops in the Middle East by keeping the black gold flowing to those who need it most. With every tank full, you are helping a crown prince fund the bare necessities of the desert lifestyle. Like that 5th swimming pool.
- Fur. You thought I forgot didn’t you? Dumbass. Who doesn’t like a healthy dose of beaver? Chicago winters be damned. Your love will be stylin’ in his/her very own animal hide. All furs should come with the prod used to electrocute the animal via the business end of its large intestine. A certificate of authenticity that the animal earned its place on said person’s back.
Or you can be a follower and buy one of those stupid terrycloth hoodies from the GAP like Oprah told you to. Help them blend into the crowd by wearing its uniform. Just don’t forget the iPod and copy of the Da Vinci Code for total social camouflage.
Always on call for the holiday cheer,
Helga
Capitalist Pig/Roark’s Bitch