-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Feb 5 2005 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Thank the Military - MY ASS!
Taking blame for LiquidGeneration’s slow servers is not in my job description.
-- Helga
Dear Men, Women (and transsexuals) of the Armed Services,
I am Private Helga Rambeaux, LiquidGeneration’s highest-ranking enlisted transsexual. And for the last few years, you all have been surfing a tsunami of public praise that you don’t deserve. Yes, yes, we're all aware that you are your mama's children and that you're in harm's way over there in the jungles of Cambodia but honestly, you were probably in greater danger back home at the chicken plant where a daydream could land you in the next vat of boneless skinless. At least here you have accommodations as comfortable as any entry-level single-wide and the coolest gadgets outside of Japan. What did you have back home? Blue light specials in aisle 80?
I have to sit here day and night going blind on code and what do I get for my trouble? About 2 gigabytes of virus-ridden hate mail every week. Nobody sends me love notes or their panties. I didn’t get a $70,000 benefit package so that I could fail out of my plumber apprentice program for showing too much crack and I certainly didn’t get 6 grand cash bonus to blow on a Trans-Camaro and neons. And I don’t even get to carry automatic weapons to protect me from Chicago’s own special breed of insurgents: the cab drivers.
You know how much more fun it would be to get together with a bunch of fraternity-minded punk-asses and play a slew of awesome pranks of unsuspecting civilians? Except instead of toilet paper and shaving cream, I’ll be using rocket launchers! Don’t speak American? Better learn before I shove an anti-tank falafel up your nose. Looter? Shoot her. Didn’t hear what I said? Two in ’da head. I’d show those Viet-Cong how we do things in the Midwest. I’d even show all of you things you can’t learn working third shift at the Perdue Chicken plant. Yes - I’d bring real transsexual flair to the battlefields and bunks alike. The communists wouldn’t stand a chance.
So the next time any of you tell me how grateful I should be to the men and women (and transsexuals) of the armed services, I’m gonna put you on a leash and show you my gratitude. And then deep-fry your fat ass.
Love,
Private Helga Rambeaux
Programming Poseur/Crotch Rot Specialist