-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Mar 5 2005 12:00AM
SUBJECT:LiquidGeneration Newsletter 3/5/2005
I am the only transsexual Paris Hilton impersonator ever to be featured in Star Magazine.
-- Helga
Dear Iambically-Challenged Punk-Asses,
I am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most eloquent transsexual and I would like to tell you that being a woman rocks the house right off its foundation. So for all those who’ve written in asking why in tarnation I am a transsexual, here is my answer. In verse.
When I am a girl, my life will be sweet.
Boys’d buy me jewels in hopes of a treat.
When I am a girl, I’ll be a conniver,
I’ll gossip to friends and be a worse driver.
When I am a girl, I’ll have sensitive feelings.
Climb the corporate ladder, straight into glass ceilings.
When I am a girl, I’ll resent that the gents
Earn a dollar compared to my seventy cents.
I’ll go out to bars, bat my eyelids and squeal.
Pretend not to notice dudes copping a feel.
When I am a girl, I’ll giggle and wink.
I’ll flirt with the studs and never pay for a drink.
When I am a girl, I’ll obsess if I’m slim.
I’ll count the net carbs and never go to the gym.
When I am a girl, I’ll envy your noodle
I’ll need a support group to pee like a poodle.
When I am a girl, I’ll get excited for hours,
I’ll never wear panties and have a weakness for flowers.
I’ll play with all day, my bundle of nerves
And never give up what no man deserves.
Then one week a month I’ll have an excuse
To spread venom, and hatred and mental abuse.
But the thing to which I look forward the most,
The thing to which all the girls will toast,
Is the turning of any innocent spat
Into: "OH MY GOD! ARE YOU SAYING I’M FAT???"
So for all of these reasons and infinite more
I can hardly contain my feminine lore.
For when I am a girl I’ll marry some jerk
So I can eat bonbons and let him go to work.
I’ll cut my hair short and since I’ll be a wife,
I’ll gain five pounds a year, for the rest of my life.
But now back to real life for Helga The Virgin
As known on the corner where I earn for the surgeon.
With Stratford-upon-Avon,
Helga
Paris Hilton/Bikini Whore