-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Apr 30 2005 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter April 30th, 2005
Editor’‘s note: the views reflected in this newsletter do not necessarily reflect those of LiquidGeneration. They do, however, reflect those of a psychopathic, serial-killing pre-operative transsexual who puts the lotion in the basket, if you catch our drift.
Sometimes when I’‘m driving in my car I get this inexplicable urge to pull over to the side, and hump that yellow line in the road. I’‘m telling you this, because as a transsexual, I thought you’‘d understand.
-- Helga
Dear black-turtleneck-wearing, wannabe hipster, Apple zealots,
I am Helga The Help and you can take Apple Computer’‘s entire cooler-than-thou product line and shove it so far up your iAss, you’‘ll be wiping iTunes for a month.
Since appearing on Forbes’‘ list of Business’‘ Most Powerful Transsexuals, I have been promoted to control LiquidGeneration’‘s entire technology budget of roughly $15.36 in Tyrese’‘s change jar and untold millions in American-style, revolving credit card debt. Without wasting any time, I put a few G5s on plastic! But when we got them and tried to put in some much-needed RAM, we were in for a bigger shock than Mr. Fork and Mrs. Light-Socket.
Apple deliberately crapified their entry-level model by bestowing it with a slower bus speed, slower memory and slower expansion slots than the one they introduced in ‘‘04. Is this almighty Jobs’‘ idea of how technology is supposed to advance or is his turtleneck inhibiting some much-needed circulation? And yet you black-rimmed glasses-wearing morons lap up their monolithic garbage like it was the best thing since Burberry Check. Perhaps you should all wear turtlenecks. At least they’‘ll keep the foreskin from coming up over your faces.
I sometimes walk through an office or home and see the big flat-screens with the shiny G5 next to it. NEXT to it. As if it needs to be taking up whatever desk space you’‘ve saved by getting rid of the tube monitor. Then I’‘ll check to see what is being worked on and see: email, iTunes, and an Internet browser. Glad to see you making use of that RISC processor serving up those web pages. You’‘re like those old guys in the gym who prominently wear their 500’‘ depth-rated Rolexes even though they’‘ve never gone deeper than the bottom of the Jacuzzi. If you wanted a piece of jewelry you should have gotten a pinky ring. At least that has resale value.
I’‘m going to put a stop to this nonsense right now. You all took your SATs right?
- Apple is to computing as Christina Aguilera is to sex. Pretty on the outside, but once inside, you’‘re lost.
Not that any of you have even a remote chance of getting inside either. Christina doesn’‘t do overweight slackers while computers...well, they don’‘t either - so go shove your fat fingers in someone else’‘s CPU. If you ever start doing anything besides playing iTunes you might realize that the OS can crash with the best of them. At least Windows has the courtesy to show me a pretty blue screen instead of just going all Terri Schiavo on my ass and making me think that it might recover - in like 15 years.
But Helga! The OS is derived from UNIX, which is all powerful blah blah blah. Yeah? And English is derived from Latin but you still got a 400 on your SAT verbal. What the devil do you know of UNIX? Are you sitting there with one of your flat-panels showing a terminal window where you expertly navigate your filesystem permissions and create customized cron jobs? My ass you do. I’‘d be surprised if you even know how to display your free disk space from the command line. I’‘d be even more surprised if Steve Jobs did. Oops. Maybe I should take that back before he bans all LiquidGeneration publications from Apple computers forever.
Before he does, let me tell you this: go sip your mochachino at your local Apple Store with the other pretentious snobs and fashion-forward tech-dimwits because the next time I hear how amazing the G5s are, I’‘m going to saw off your skullcap with your iPod Shuffle cord and downgrade your brain to a slower bus speed.
With Love & Pretentiousness,
Helga
Longhorn Slut/Backend Scripter