-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Dec 10 2005 12:00AM
SUBJECT:The Worst Week Ever
My soul swooned slowly as I heard the snow falling faintly through the universe and faintly falling, like the descent of their last end, upon all the trannies, my dear friends.
-- Helga The Help
Dear Blogosquare,
I am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s asexual, uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual and this has been a pretty rough week. Let’s recap some of the highlights:
Monday & Tuesday
I know that all the people in the south are fat and lazy because of how hot it is but all it takes is a couple days like this to wish obesity upon myself. The entire country suffered the icy grip of Canadian air. Ugly bastards – I wish they’d keep it. Permafrost is their thing. We don’t need any here. The mercury wasn’t even falling. It was frozen.
Wednesday
A man in Miami decides to commit suicide by Air Marshal and makes bogus bomb threats while threatening everyone with a backpack. Quite honestly, I am relieved to see that 4 years after its inception, this whole Air Marshal program actually has teeth. Law enforcement should be more like the old-school Schwarzenegger movies: corpses early and often. Marshals should have quotas. If no one is acting bi-polar they can always shoot people with more than 2 pieces of carry-on luggage.
Thursday
Ah yes, December 8th, in the year of your lord 2005, I looked out the window and beheld a pale sky and his plane that flew into Midway was death, and Hell followed with him. (Revelation 6:7-8) The fine city of Chicago was hit with a storm that made Hurricane Katrina look like a toilet flush.
The casualties cannot easily be counted but include thousands of man-hours stuck in traffic, my new Gucci shoes, and a six-year-old who bit it when a Southwest Jet skidded off the landing strip and into his family’s car pool. However, it could have been much worse. I could have been wearing my Testonis.
Is it mere coincidence that if you subtract 1 from the first number of 12-8 and add it to the second and reverse the two you get 9-11? No more than Revelation 6:7-8 actually being 12-8 since 6 and 7 add up to 12.
Friday
I awoke after a holiday party with a heavy head and lighter wallet. I had thoroughly street-salted ANOTHER pair of shoes and lost ANOTHER scarf. This year seems to be ending with the same tsunami of alcohol with which it started but far fewer donations to the charity of liver.
That morning the icy streets were flowing as quickly as airport security lines and my taxi driver was carrying on an insurgency over his Bluetooth earpiece. His scarf was very similar to the one I had lost but his voice was causing little earthquakes in my cranium with a magnitude of 7.6 so I decided to leave the disputed piece of cashmere alone.
With a start like this, I’m afraid to see what the week’s end has in store. This may very well be my own version of "goodbye COLD world!"
Love & Frigidity,
Helga
Pole Dancer/Code Warrior