-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jan 7 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Muslim New Years Resolutions
My friends are more drunk than your friends.
-- Helga
A salaam alaikum!
I am Helga Salami el-Mohammed, and instead of giving you the usual linear-plot, Dragnet-style newsletter, I am going to expand on a topic covered nearly a year ago: my conversion to the religion of love and peace.
Since this is my first New Year as an Islam, I have decided to let my resolutions reflect my undisputed status as the most pious transsexual in recorded history. Already, I have much to show for my piety. In just 10 months, I have not only firmed up my waistline with a rigorous regiment of bent-over-prayer but also tuned my internal compass to always jump in the direction of Mecca. (Not sure how the whole sex-change will affect this skill after I get my compass needle sliced off but we’ll cross that bridge when we come upon it.) Anyway, here are my New Year’s resolutions in no particular order, other than the one in which they appear:
You must be thinking: Helga can’t count since he/she referred to resolution(S) and listed only one. Or: "How unoriginal," but you should think not these things and put your attention-deficit on hold and listen up.
I’m not talking 10 pounds like most of you, I’m talking Lindsay Lohan; I’m talking Kate Moss; I’m talking Ethiopia – but without the distended belly. What in the Great Satan do you think caused the collapse of the hotel outside of the Mosque in Mecca [1/6/06] if not the inability to support too many overfed worshippers? A month of Ramadan doesn’t seem to have any effect when the other 11 consist of gorging on fat oil profits.
What do you think caused Ariel Sharon, the greatest Muslim now living, to have the consecutive queen and king of all brain-farts? A man whose legacy should be filled with generous land-gifts to the Palestinian people will instead be filled like a colostomy bag.
And what about the late King Fahd? Years of childhood, adolescent, adult and finally, geriatric obesity pretty much added up to the whole lifetime. I could be wrong about this since it’s hard to check guys out in their Princely burkas but the facts seem to be on my side. The King had type II diabetes and weak knees, hence the worlds smallest escalator (1 step) was installed in one of his palaces to assure easy mobility between the toilet and master bath.
So follow my lead fellow pilgrims! Together we can declare jihad on obesity and win! I have personally decided not to wait for heaven to reap my rewards. I deflower a virgin for every pound I lose! I can’t risk that the suicide bombers will get all the best cuts of meat!
Helga
Meat Packer/Infidel