-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Mar 4 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Alzheimers, Dementia, and other funnies.
Relocation is the last refuge of scoundrels.
-- Helga
Dear Mental Retards,
I am Helga The Help, Liquidgeneration’s most compassionate transsexual, and I would like to be the first to tell you that I love the lot of you.
See, I used to be retarded. My particular brand was extremely rare. I didn’t get it from eating too much tuna or anything; it runs in my family.
Not long ago, my grandma was diagnosed with dementia a condition much like Alzheimer’s but without the fancy name. Those afflicted confuse everyday things in the most interesting way. It is not uncommon for her to mistake me for her brother or even her long-dead father. I, being the compassionate transsexual that I am, go along with the delusion. It’s actually kind of fun. Like many old people, she told me the same dumbass stories from her childhood 10,000 times so I re-tell them to her pretending to be a participating party. She actually gets really excited and it seems to brighten her mood so I never understand why people are telling me that it’s insensitive.
One of the most interesting roles I’ve had the chances to perfect is when she mistakes me for her husband who died in WWII. Since she still remembers the war as clearly as I remember Z. Cavaricci’s, I tell her these long, elaborate tales about how I was captured by the Nazis and forced to perform unspeakable acts of sodomy and bestiality. I keep trying to stretch the fabric of plausibility but think I damaged my credibility when I told her that I fathered a child with a high-ranking German Shepherd.
But dementia has it annoyances too. For example, get ready to answer the same EXACT question several times in a single conversation. Sometimes it gets asked (or “axed” for the ebonics speakers) again before you are even done replying. In this case, it’s fun to alter the answer in mid-sentence and watch the genuine change in reaction.
But regardless of what amusement one derives from the below-the-fold-intellectuals, it’s important to remember that their parents rolled the genetic dice just like yours did. Except for the fact that they crapped out.
Love and Chromosomes, Helga.
Sensitivity Maven/Bleeding-heart Conservative