-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Apr 1 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Women Age Poorly
Trust Nobody. Hire Nobody. Program Nothing. That is the way of the Master.
-- Helga The Help
Dear Withered Damsels,
I am Helga Salami el-Mohammed, LiquidGeneration’s wisest uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual, and I would like to present the most perishable good on the planet: female beauty.
With the recent rash of those who, at the half-century marker, insist upon stealing the limelight and then reflecting it from their pasty white skin, I feel that it is high time to make my case.
There is a period in every girl’s life, typically in her mid-20s, when everything just falls into place. She is past the awkward tweens where her limbs may have grown asynchronously. Past the teenage acne and the baby fat. And right before her first wrinkle and gray hair where she looks as good as she ever will. What’s my point you ask? That THIS is the interval during which women should be seen and heard.
I am sick of waking up to Katie Couric (luckily she’s about to be popped). Sick of watching Judi Dench telling Bond what to do. And sicker still of falling asleep to re-runs of Marilyn Chambers’ second coming. But now that Sharon Stone’s instincts have betrayed her, I can keep silent no more.
For the love of your male species and in the name of whatever gods you believe in! Wash off the caked-on makeup…put on your clothes…and make way for the new generation! Take Sharon Stone for example. I had seen Basic Instinct a dozen times before buying the Director’s Cut on DVD. It came with a plastic ice pick and I began suspecting that ice picks were significant to the movie, although I still can’t quite put my finger in it. I’m not sure what the weapon of choice will be in round 2 but I can only pray to Allah and his son Jesus that it won’t be crow’s feet.
It has been said that a celebrity’s genius lies not in tenure but in the timing of retirement. Women don’t have to be geniuses. Unlike Ms. Stone, they don’t even need a stroke of genius. All they need is a mirror.
Helga
Jewish Scientologist/Hasidic Muslim