-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jun 3 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:War is Awsome
You link to Helga’s Mailbag on the homepage or I walk.
-- Helga The Help
Dear Pacifist Liberal Scumbags,
I am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most violent uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and listen…you hear that? That’s the sound of me sharpening my Rambo knife, loading my machine gun and squeezing into my combat thong because I’m going to WAR!!!
Out of the spectrum of human activity, there is no greater occupation than that of destruction. Both of society’s output and, in some cases, other societies. What better way to channel the productive energy of the population than toward the obliteration of goods and peoples? All the better if they’re the ENEMY.
So while you are out there protesting in your greasy hair and Birkenstocks, I have been contemplating America’s next target. Only not the Axis of Pansies that our President would have us devour. I have come up with a slightly more refined list:
Canada – If out of sight is out of mind then these northern prima donnas are surfing our brainwaves. Sure, they gave us Sarah McLachlan and Molsen Beer but technically, Canada isn’t even a country. It’s a giant piece of permafrost between us and Alaska. If global warming melts Canada, then I say "Gentlemen, start your engines!"
Ethiopia – We have the Great Gatsby. They have a Great Famine. We win. Besides, if they’re going to pretend they’re starving they should at least try to hide their big fat bellies.
France – Some say that the greatest attack on America was 9/11. But true cultural connoisseurs know that this distinction goes to the attack we suffered in the renaming of the most prominent staple of the middle class diet. The gauntlet was thrown down and we should answer with Super Sized weapons.
Singapore – Is it a country? Is it a city? Quite honestly, I don’t give a rat’s ass. I know that they have some pretty clean streets and the most ass-kicking cell phones any of us North Americans have ever seen. I want 3G and I don’t care it they know Kung Fu.
India – As a lowly technology worker, the more I hear about all the CEOs with their BPOs the more disgusted I get. I want to organize all of my code-monkey brethren and go trash the country as badly as my last vindaloo dinner did my digestive tract. I want to, but judging by the state of the country, I’m not sure that trashing is a message they’d get. At least conquering India won’t be that hard. We won’t even need the military. Last time around, they were conquered by a tea company. All we should need to do is send in Starbucks.
So there you have them. I call them the Axis of Asses and you’re either with me or you have an Oedipus complex. Stay tuned for the next edition where I plan to declare war on the CAPS LOCK key.
Helga The Help
Employee Exterminator/Ruler of Web Stats