-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jul 1 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Deformed People are Horny Too
My hairline might be receding, but not my use of the term: "Web 2.0."
-- Helga
Dear Chromosomally Challenged Infidels,
I am Helga the Help, LiquidGeneration’s only XXX-Y uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and I have been braving quite a dry spell if you catch my drift. I thought that now that I am all Hollywood, the A-List would be easy pickings for a man/woman of my socio-physical charms. But alas, this is not the case. As the days march into weeks, I am beginning to think that a dramatic lowering of standards is the only way to solve my problem. If countries can devalue their currency so foreigners can buy their worthless bunk, Helga can devalue his/her hit list when hitting the Sunset Strip.
So without further A-Dew, here is my list of untapped markets:
Down Syndromeites – These are cheap dates because they get ass-wasted off of a single martini. Luckily, the extra chromosome coded for a hollow heart, not leg. You can use what little imagination you have to see the benefits of the enlarged tongue.
Cerebral Palsied – These masochists love to relive memories of their first failed breaths in the moments of passion. I just have to get an asphyxiation device that feels like an umbilical cord.
Conjoined Twins – If this is not the congenital jackpot then I’m not sure what is. A shared circulatory system means that not only can I save money by getting two drunk for the price of one, but also have 4 hands to keep me "focused" on the task at hand.
Amputees – You probably think I am going to make a Boxing Helena joke but I take this very seriously. When one has no limbs, one can roll in place. I never thought that the euphemism "screwing" was accurate, until now.
Cleft Palateitians – When in its complete, bilateral version, what you fully-formed pigs call deformity I call divinity de oral.
Spina Bifidites – Folic acid be damned. These cravers of B vitamins can range from a small spinal cord disjunction to a full gap in the vertebrae. I wonder if the term "Goatspina" will be as catchy.
Usher Syndromites – No, not the people that break out dancing to "Yeah!" at the drop of an As hat. This refers to children born without functional input devices for their eyes and ears. If you think about it, Helen Keller was the ideal woman. But since she occurs once in 10,000 births, you had better get in line behind me.
Fetal Alcohol Syndromeites – We already share a full-time BAC of .35 but alcohol has been in their blood a lot longer than mine. The only problem is that they can drink my ass into the gutter. Thus, it’s economically preferable to hunt for these sweethearts in the country where their amniotic fluid was Wild Turkey, not Cristal. More compatible with my pocketbook.
Diphalliacs – At ratio of 1 in 5 million live births, these gems are worth their weight in wasabi. Double the Pleasure/Double the Fun/No one should stick to/Having just one.
Fat People – If all else fails, there are always those thickly-padded souls who go out with their thin friends and always get left alone at the table as their friends hook up. What some may call leftovers, I call ripe, low-hanging, mushy fruit.
And now my fellow undesirables...on to the hunt!!!
Love,
Helga
Turd Muffin/Code Warrior