-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Jul 29 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter 7/29/06 - Israel loves Hezbollah
My SUV is a gas guzzling slut that can out whore your gas guzzling SUV slut.
-- Helga
Dear Hezbollah gorillas and Israeli chimpanzees,
I am Helga Moo-hammed el-Salami, LiquidGeneration’s best endowed uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and you embody hatred, violence and intolerance. Your recent warfare has dispatched thousands of people to the hospital and several hundred to the spirit realm. Indeed, you offer a stiff refreshment to a world bent on the illusion of peace and universal tolerance.
I salute you.
Long ago, the world was a simpler place. If one did not fancy another’s nose hairs, one would simply shoot them dead. Now, the laws are such that this behavior is punished and not rewarded. And so, it is fitting that we can look to the birthplace of civilization for a return to our roots.
You see, the Middle East has a secret that both sides try to enshroud: they need each other. For the Arab world, Israel is Emmanuel Goldstein (no pun intended), a symbol of hate and a means of control, and Arabs to Israel is the 900 lb. gorilla with the explosive temper (also, no pun intended): an ever-present threat and also...a means of control. What would they do without each other? Oh the horror! Arab children, who now study the Koran and to hate Israel would have only the words of the prophet to guide them into virgin lands. Hardly as decisive an exit as dirty bombing your favorite civilians. And Israel would probably end up like a smaller version of the United States, instead of churning out trained warriors and 135 engineers/10,000 employees, it would be grooming middle managers who do nothing but watch the clock as they refine their management techniques.
So now that we have uncovered the secret let me now follow in Plato’s footsteps and give you the Allegory of the Boil.
Sometimes, when I wear a particularly uncomfortable pair of shoes, I develop an impressive growth filled with all kids of bodily humors. Those evenings, as I’m getting my drink on, I like to select the finest blade from my collection of straight razors and apply just enough pressure to produce maximum carnage and hence garner the most sympathy. But in doing so, I am careful not to tear off the protective epidermis and thus prevent the boil from filling again. I can keep this up for a maximum of a few days whereas the Arabs and Israelis have been doing it for over half a century.
Now that’s impressive.
With love and warfare,
Hegla
Gas Guzzler/SUV-Driving Earth Destroyer