-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Sep 2 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter 9/2/2006 - LA Restaurants Suck
Dear Fellow Service Mongers,
I am Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s most spoiled uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual and you should never dine in the city of Los Angeles.
Perhaps I have been spoiled by the city of big shoulders (and even bigger waistlines). But I have become so used to receiving-5 star service at even the corner dump that I forgot what most of the country has to go through when they go out to eat. The west coast and southern states have a special place in my diary of abominations but so far, Los Angeles seems to combine the worst of both into one oozing juggernaut of incompetence.
Overall, the entire city seems to be moving through oil. I have seen New York Grannys unload their scooters faster than most people unload their grocery carts. I have been stuck in traffic behind wanna-be starlets too busy thumbing their pink sidekicks to see the light change. But worst of all, I have had no shortage of meals where the staff’s ineptitude overshadowed even their "beauty."
A list of indictments would be lengthy and exhausting so I’m just going to touch on the most vile:
Medium Rare means exactly that. How can a crispy looking thing even make it out past the cook, the dresser, and the waiter? Complete incompetence that’s how.
If I order a special vodka in my martini, use it! And make sure to wash out the shaker before you pour. Yes I can taste the difference and I can even tell if there’s one drop of gin or Grey Goose that seeped through the ice cubes. If you’re going to be lazy, either wait until I’m on number three or don’t charge $16 for it.
Take my money. Don’t ruin an otherwise acceptable meal by vanishing somewhere between my first bite and 20 minutes after my last. Rehearse your lines on your own time.
BRING THE ITEMIZED RECIEPT!!! No, I don’t trust you, you tattooed mathematical drop-out. I’ll do my own arithmetic thank you very much. And this was ever more important last year when you could deduct your sales tax.
I hate to sound like my grandmother but in Chicago, this sort of business would be met with dining room riots and fistfights. You might get your ass kicked just by ordering a steak cooked medium well (i.e.: ruined) to say nothing of delivering it as such to an innocent diner.
So I am forced to find solace in the things LA does offer. However, no one has yet invited me to a big Hollywood premiere or asked me to pose on the red carpet. I guess those are privileges reserved for the bigshots like LiquidGeneration’s esteemed CEO, Tyrese Abdul Mohammed, who just this week got invited to see Crank (which he loved) and hang with Efren Ramirez (whom he hated). Just kidding Efren. We all love you and vote for you and hope you come back to do Pedro for us again.
So I guess that at least I can use the ass-load of money that I’m going to save on tips to fund the elevation my social standing. Meanwhile, if you work in the service industry in LA, I want you to print this out on 30lb paper and shove it up your southernmost sphincter.
Love & Cabbage,
Helga
Food Nazi/Code Warrior