-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Sep 30 2006 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Recall Pope Benedict
Dear Militant Liquid Generation Devotees,
I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s most pious uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual, and I wanted to spend my brief time with you this month to declare jihad on Pope Benedict XVI and help you brainstorm all the various beheading videos in which we could cast him or the roadmaps for Byzantium we could carve into his Pope Mobile. But, alas, we are followers of the religion of peace and this type of foppery would not be proper. Instead, let us do like the Californians and hold a recall pope-lection.
I was never a fan of Joseph Ratzinger even back when he was Cardinal Grand Inquisitor. And it had nothing to do with his name being 1 part Rat, 1 part Zinger. I’ll take that over Schwarzenegger any day. But I have assembled a 6-count indictment of our Islam-basher.
He’s a deserter. When called upon to serve their country, the youth of America stands up. What did The Pope do when called upon by Germany in WWII? Went AWOL. Not a great model of dependability.
He’s old. A good 20 years past menopause. The Vatican should learn from Hewlett-Packard. The board had enough sense to can two menopausal bosses in two months and they were a hell of a lot cuter. Old people should never be popes.
He’s dumb. If he’s as "intellectual" as they’re saying why did it take him like 30 years to graduate from the College of Cardinals??? How did he even attend since I’m sure the GI bill was revoked after he deserted and stuff. (see item 1)
He’s fat. I think the old boys could have at least chosen a better poster-boy for health and fitness given the whole feeding-tube debacle from the last pope. Fat people should never be popes especially if they can’t even fit in the Pope-mobile.
He has a comb-over. When one’s part starts at one’s ear, the biggest yarmulke in the universe cannot the impression of hair make. Bald people should never be popes.
Easy assassination target. See above item. All a would-be assassin would need is magnifying glass and POOF! The 12 pounds of Aqua-Net goes up in flames! Fire hazards should never be popes.
So there you have them. I think these make for a rock-solid case for re-Pope-lection. Then, all we have to do is find a replacement and I have a suggestion here, too. I think that affirmative action has done just about all can in the US and should be exported. I’m sure that there were plenty of good colored cardinals to choose from but I was leaning towards a very special Archbishop: Don Magic Juan.
With love and Total Recalls,
Helga