-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: May 3 2004 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Auschwitz Diet
Dearest Fat-asses,
This is Helga The Help, LiquidGeneration’s bold and beautiful pre-operative transsexual and have I got a new diet for you.
To hell with Atkins, South Beach, The Zone and all the other fad nonsense that you all try to follow. I came up with something special and I guarantee that you will lose every ounce of fat on your bloated body.
See, the other day, I was watching a documentary on the Holocaust and noticed a pattern: all the people were incredibly skinny. Not a whale in sight. And what great self-esteem they had! At every turn they’d be running around all naked and stuff. Then I recalled The Diary of Anne Frank. Not a single page was devoted to dieting or body insecurity. Things that today’s typical teenager would obsess about for at least a few chapters. And then inspiration struck!
Ladies and Gentlemen: without further lard, I would like to present to you the latest in dietary lifestyles: The Auschwitz Diet.
Here’s how it works:
You give me all your money, and move into the concentration camp that I will set up in the LiquidGeneration Offices. I will hire guards to beat the devil out of you all day long, make you shovel snow, run around on 13 minutes of sleep and grind up paper into your bread so you still get plenty of fiber but don’t actually digest anything. What’s that you say? Don’t think anyone would want this job? Well screw you Mr. & Mrs. Smarty Pants…I’ve already hired Mel Gibson’s dad to be the administrator and Lara Flynn Boyle to be the spokesmodel.
And if you call now, I promise to even throw in mosquito repellent and let you have the top bunk. If you’re not satisfied with your new skin-and-bones look you can always mouth off to one of our guards. Just don’t be surprised if he busts a cap in your ass.