-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga The Help
SENT: Mar 24 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Newsletter of Excuses
On your knees! It’s Helga Mohammed el-Salami,
Liquid Generation’s uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and sometimes, I think my 486 mini-tower has a higher IQ than the lot of you. Indeed, talking to most people, I find myself swimming in a torrent of cliché; so worn and tired that I’d feel cleaner if the torrent were excrement.
Listen to the bulk of conversations and you’ll realize that the majority of people’s word-play is spent on conjuring up excuses for being stupid. Why they won’t get one thing or remember another. But they can’t even come up with their own excuses and instead re-package the same meaninglessness at nauseam.
Below, I have isolated a few exhibits for your reading pleasure and translated them to normal-speak:
I’m a visual person - I don’t like to think. Unless complicated subject matter is presented in 3 dimensional charts and pastel colors I’m not going to understand anything.
I don’t remember names - remembering will take attention and repetition; effort which you’re not really worth.
I’m always late -Option A - I’m so disorganized that I have no conception of time. B - I overbook my schedule so that I don’t have to spend a single second in the vacuous company of my own thoughts. C - I’m passive aggressive so even though I can’t stick it to you any other way, at least I’ll rob you of some time.
I’m a good skier - I grew up rich and don’t keep company that didn’t lest someone actually expects me to have anything productive to contribute.
I used to work retail - I’ve come so far. Accept my pity and give me a discount.
I’m a spiritual person - I don’t really want to admit to being religious because I haven’t been to church/temple/mosque/Mount Olympus in N number of years but I enjoy the ease of making up and changing my beliefs as I needed.
I’m a musician - I’m work retail/live with my parents so don’t expect me to ever buy a round of drinks.
What I wanted to say was: [speech] - I would never actually say any of the things I now spew forth but I can make up in narration what I lack in quick-wits.
I don’t eat X [but all sorts of Y]: I decided to draw my imaginary line in the sand at X {pigs, shellfish, cows under a certain age}. I feel that this limited contribution is helping save little Xs despite the fact most of them are bred specifically for human consumption and their sole purpose on this planet is to convert grass into delicious slabs of medium-rare filets. That or I actually think that my god will send me to hell for partaking of X portion of the menu not realizing that god was only so picky back before they could irradiate and refrigerate.
I could go on and on and on and on and on...But I won’t. I feel that just by regurgitating the aforementioned, I have irreparably damaged my IQ. And now I’m a visual person.
Helga Mohammed el-Salami