-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: May 5 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Praise Mexican Allah for the LAPD
Dear Chief of Police, William Bratton,
I am Helga Jesus Mejia Orellana Sanchez Torres, Liquid Generation’s undocumented, uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual and I would like to commend your Police Department on their recent public service in keeping the people of Los Angeles safe.
Over the next few weeks, there are going to be investigations and inquiries and all the other lovely spectacles that the public adores. There may even be calls for your resignation. I urge you to ignore them. The calls will be made by white people who can’t possibly comprehend our plight. We must deny Whitie his grandstanding. These expeditions cost lots of money. A bill typically paid by the taxpayer. Since we, the undocumented elite, are tax-exempt, we have no right to freely call for any spending. We know this. But we sometimes just like to tango, you know what I’m saying?
First of all, let’s examine the subject of the MacArthur Park rally. Its purpose was immigrant rights. This was the excuse anyway. Let’s just be straight-up. We hold these truths to be self-evident. That all migrants are superior. That they are endowed by their familia with certain inalienable rights. That It is the right of every one to drag his or her culture kicking and screaming to the new found land where it can be forced upon the populace. At the same time, the host country should be tapped for higher wages and an unlimited tolerance for bitching. We are separate but superior.
And in our superiority, we could see that the police officers were shrewd physicists in appraising the crowd. It was approaching critical mass. You see, we Hispanics, like Uranium 235, are relatively harmless in small quantities. However, as more and more atoms of Uranium join the fiesta, something as simple as a stray neutron can perpetuate a massive fissile chain reaction. Similarly, a stray bandana or spinning rim or Guatemalan can quickly blow the hot sauce right out of your burrito (even if you’ve already eaten it) and what was just a peaceful gathering becomes a carnival of tribal dances and contorted hand-gestures. Before you know it, a full-scale riot erupts like Fat Man over Nagasaki. Thank you for saving us!
And so in closing, I would like to stress our compliments. It is a great honor to live in such harmony with one’s law enforcement. And in so living, we would like to see where France excels and Japan fails: to your graces, we surrender.
Love,
Helga Jesus Mejia Orellana Sanchez Torres