-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Jun 30 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Take your iGear and Shove it up your iAss
Hallow Herds of Nerds,
I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s uncircumcised, pre-operative technological transsexual and I bet that you’ve been waiting in line all day for the newly-released Apple iPhone.
I frequently ask myself how it is possible that this company of obvious technological retrograde can continue to offer up blockbusters instead of c-listers? And the answer, dear reader, is because you are a blithering idiot. You must have far too much revolving credit to spend on technological fashion statements.
Do any of you care that the iPhone is a closed device without the ability to install applications on it? That it doesn’t have an official SDK which pretty much guarantees that no application will ever be developed for it besides those Apple does themselves. Do you give a flying flock that it lacks a WiFi plan? Do you even realize that you’ll never be able to open an Office document on its elephantine screen? MMS? Nope. Instant messaging? Yeah right. Do these things really matter to you? Probably not. So laying my foundations on such principles and organizing my power in such forms, as to me shall go the honor of suggesting to Apple how to screw your next.
1.) Ensure that version 1 of the iPhone is wholly incompatible with any future version’s software.
2.) Ensure that version 2 is actually a dumbed-down product with slower bus speeds like the 2005 entry level G5. Oh, and charge the same for it.
3.) Invent a new wireless protocol and force iPhone owners to use it.
4.) Make sure no iPhone can call any other phone type.
5.) Expand #4 to eventually disallow communications with non-Apple computer owners.
6.) Ensure that memory management has holes big enough to fit and Apple IIGS
7.) Don’t upgrade memory management until version 2.0, 6 months later.
8.) Ensure that your PC forces a full sync instead of differential EVERY time you plug the iPhone in without asking you.
9.) Dedicate 90% of CPU clocks to neat little effect like scrolling and flyout menus. If phone is active, drop the call.
10.) And finally, I hope Apple makes their on-screen keyboard smaller to accommodate its logo and NOT accommodate your fat, disgusting fingers.
But seriously, when (or if) you get one, I want you to do me a favor. Cradle the iPhone in your left hand with the Apple logo facing you, bring your right hand up to the phone with the palm facing up, and carefully bring in all fingers but the middle. The show your mother so she can smack the genius bar out of you. In fact, while you’re at it, you can take Apple Computer’s entire cooler-than-thou product line and shove it so far up your iAss, you’ll be wiping iTunes for a month.
Love,
Helga