-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Aug 4 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:Of Un-Tucked Shirts and Cargo Shorts - A Critique of Modern Fashion
Dear Fashion Industry,
I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and it is with unrestrained passivity that I await the demise of the current fashion generation. Just in case you missed my meaning, if your demise is not forthcoming, I am more than willing to come over there and personally attend to your Hell Holiday by stuffing your fat asses into some skinny jeans and force feeding you IEDs until you blow up all over your shapeless maternity dresses.
Below is a non-exhaustive list of offences that have caused me to retch in public:
Un-tucked shirts. We get it. Yearly obsolescence requires changing things like lapel width or coat-button quantity every year but this trend has been going on far too long. Yeah, I know everyone wants to look like they have shoulders wider than their stomachs but there’s only so much starch you can put in the fabric before you look like a gyroscope. Go to the gym you blithering idiots and then maybe you’ll be able to actually tuck in your shirt.
Ponchos – The female version of the above. Nothing hides your last hundred cheeseburgers better than this monstrosity. Unfortunately, they’ll also hide your bountiful bust which is probably your only fat-redeeming quality. So until the crossing-guard look gets into vogue, file this one to the lower rungs of your debt-ridden closets.
Cargo Pants/Shorts – Everywhere you turn there they are. Khaki, grey, pink, camouflage. All F-U-G-L-Y. The inventor of these textile deformities but ought to be sodomized with radioactive polonium rods until they have as many tumors hanging off of them as their stupid pants.
Skinny Jeans – For every girl I’ve seen wearing this abomination, 100% would look better in something that they could actually fit into. And now the guys are wearing them too! Come on people. If you make me re-live the 80s, I’m going to rip out the strings from your bass guitar and implant them into your thinning hair follicles. Then you can truly make a killing in that mosh-pit.
Gaucho Pants – More would-be flattery for the calorie. Even though these apparitions can, sometimes, provide a decent fit for even the most J.Lo of booties, why did you designers make them such that they cut off at the least attractive part of the calf? Kankles are so 1920.
Maternity wear – This entire concept has rotten roots. It shouldn’t even exist. If you choose to become an incubator so that you can unleash a fresh mix of your retarded DNA on an unsuspecting world you should suffer the fashion consequences. But now, otherwise normal women are using it to hide their beer guts. What’s next? Hoop-skirts for fat legs? Burkas?
Ballet Flats – Girls are one big, motor-mouthing, diary-keeping, PMSing cliché. This is why every one of them feels original when they inform me that “they used to dance” as if that somehow excuses their 100lb college weight gain. But now that you helped bring the cliché into the street, I feel like donning my own ballet shoes and doing pirouettes on your eyeballs.
Bubble Skirts – It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No! It’s a skirt AND a diaper! I know all of you fashion designers are pedophiles but I thought you at least drew the line at potty training. If I ever see any of you wearing this multi-hemmed monstrosity, I’m going to beat you until you crap your pants. Luckily, no one will be able to tell.
That’s all for now. Even though I reserve the right to grow this list as long as your puke-inducing threads.
Love,
Helga Mohammed el-Salami