-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Nov 3 2007 12:00AM
SUBJECT:The Writer Strike Affects Code Writers Too
Greetings Comic Infidels,
I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual.? ?Tis a sad day in America for it has become clear that Capitalism has invaded the turf of my brothers and sisters de plume: the screenwriters.
Whom do you movie studio executives think you are, treating your talent as hired-help? The nerve! You purchase a product (a script) add value (all filming and production work) and resell the finished product for multiples more than the cost of goods sold! What arrogance! What outrageousness! Do you fat-cat executives think you’re building a car where you can just buy a bunch of parts and screw them together and sell them for huge profits without paying residuals to the assembly line? Or do you think you’re clothing designers where you can buy some fabric for US$0.03 / yard, sew it together, slap a label on it and sell it for US$800 without kicking some back to the sweatshops?
NOOOOO!!!!
These are real people who are churning out the scripts! They’re not human-labor throwaways like coal miners or fat women in sewing factories. These people have families to feed and glamorous lifestyles to keep up and lunches at the Ivy to pay for. Besides, if you get fired from the Toyota plant, you can get a job tomorrow with GM. Writers are unemployable in any other productive human endeavor. They aren’t just cogs in the capitalist machine! They need royalty pay to keep up their LA style. The Proletariat can unite as long as the writers get their cut!
Speaking of all this writing, I’m a writer too you know! And my C# is such that it’s made a great many people who use proper programming structure laugh hysterically upon reading it. I have always believed it to be unfair that all the code I write can be re-used over and over again without paying royalties to me whatever. I wrote the original code that sent this newsletter to all of Liquid Generation’s lovely readers. 2.5 million every week. Where’s my cut? I wrote the code that adds and calculates all the Who’d You Rather votes. 200 Million votes later, I still haven’t gotten my check. I created a spreadsheet that our CEO has shown to 20 different people. I’m off to check my mailbox but I don’t think there’ll be any money there.
Writers have clearly evolved beyond capitalism’s thrifty confines and if you studio executives know what’s good for you, you’ll usher in the new era of CapitaRoyaltyism. A term, BTW, for which I expect to see some residuals. So if I catch anyone using it without my permission, I’m going to print out the nearest screenplay and shove it so far up your large intestine, your bowels will be moving hilarity for a week.
Love,
Helga Mohammed el-Salami