-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Jan 5 2008 12:00AM
SUBJECT:US Election Stupidity
Dear Iowa,
I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s partially uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and I would like to congratulate you on a primary well delivered. If the rest of the country follows your lead, we will be looking forward to another dynasty of poster-boy idiots which is exactly what our country needs.
Since it seems that all the folks who truly know how to run the country (and thereby the world) are too busy driving cabs and giving haircuts, it falls upon the portly, non-photogenic manipulators like Karl Rove to get any actual work done. And so they do.
How many times have you heard the old cliché "it’s the economy stupid" or "Christian Right"? Great. Print it out and shove it up your outbox. You wouldn’t know the first thing about economics if I beat the spinal fluid out of you with a Macro textbook and the term "Christian Right" is such a laughable euphemism that it borders on oxymoronic. Do you honestly think that the administration officials who truly run things give a flying-rat’s ass about whether your boyfriends can marry each other or if your sister can abort her embryonic bastard? Karl Rove’s father was a homosexual. Cheney’s daughter is too. Karl didn’t let his personal life interfere with his electorate strategy of dividing his constituents along the lines of how others should live their lives. And all of you continue to fall for it.
Here is a little spoken factoid you should all digest: if every person in the country voted, a Republican would never, ever get elected (John Kenneth Galbraith, 1986). Democracy has the unfortunate side-effect of inflicting the stupidity of the many on the intelligent few. So how do they do it? By pretending to be relevant. Pretending to care. Pretending to be someone sweet and sincere and folksy who goes to Church like you and is someone you want to have a beer with. I’m sorry but what the hell is that all about? Have a beer with your president? Please. You should want your president to be a master manipulator. Someone who terrifies every other foreign leader and can slam-dunk your silly ass in any debate on any subject. A person who will bite your head off should you even mention Church or whatever modern mythology you call morality. Someone whose very gaze can curdle your momma’s breast milk. She should have had an abortion anyway. But none of you want that. You want an aw-shucks poster-boy who must pretend to be as big a fool as you are.
It could be worse. You could believe that serving a few terms in a State Senate and then delivering a few good speeches does a good president make. So when you go to the ballot box and punch the name of your wanna-be candidate, I might just be around the corner waiting to punch you in your yellow teeth.
Love,
Helga Mohammed el-Salami