-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Jan 26 2008 12:00AM
SUBJECT:10 Things I Hate About Australia
Attention Royal Tasmanian Infidels,
I am Helga Mohammed el-Salami, Liquid Generation’s anti-depressive uncircumcised, pre-operative transsexual and I want you to take a moment and consider Australia. It is a cruel and inhospitable place. When Freud was writing about nature rising up cruel, majestic and inexorable he was surely thinking of the outback. Only he was writing in defense of civilization. It’s too bad Australia doesn’t really have one. The story of its founding is a tale of woe and starvation and extermination. It should not surprise anyone that Australia is thoroughly hated by the world. Its origins are the dregs of British society (where even the creme is fraught with problems) and rotten roots ALWAYS yield rotten fruits. So without further adieu, here are the top 10 things I hate about Australia:
1. Geological personality crisis. Is it a country or a continent? No one can make up their mind. You can always escape this conundrum the easy way: overdose on prescriptions.
2. Crocodiles. First came Crocodile Dundee then the Crocodile Hunter. Why do these people spend so much of their time in this love affair with prehistoric reptiles? Line them all up and sting them through the heart for all I care.
3. Fox News. The Murdoch clan has transformed the business of telling us about traffic and weather into a hydra with more heads that the Japanese Post Office. So what if people like it? How many Manhattan townhomes do the Murdochs need to buy before the world realizes that News Corp is one big, global Opium den? Lay your flowers down now. Then send in the wrecking ball.
4. Tasmanians. No, not the ugly, incommunicative monster that graced your Saturday morning cartoons. The ugly, incommunicative monsters that graced your Outback kangaroo steakhouse. With all the ugliness and kangaroos, it’s no wonder the lot of them committed suicide. Only no pansy-ass prescription meds for them. They did it the old-fashioned way: suicide by white man.
5. Half-hour time zone. Territories that can’t round to the nearest hour should just be nuked until there isn’t anything left but sand. I’m not sure anyone in the Northern Territory would notice.
6. Tuna. Who would have thunk that the world’s southern desert would be the kingdom of the world’s most delicious fish? Port Lincoln has more millionaires than any other place in the world per capita and they all smell like tuna. Apparently, they go together like Koala and eucalyptus.
7. Ozone Hole. I think Chlorofluorocarbons were the greatest thing since DDT but NOOOOOO...these punk-ass Australians had to start whining about ozone holes over their heads. What’s next? Complaining about global outbacking?
8. The Great Barrier Reef. This oceanic Dark Knight has cast more shadow over what would otherwise be some great exploitative industries. I don’t care how many coral polyps built the damn thing. They’re just about as ugly as the polyps in your grandpa’s colon.
9. Kangaroos. They’re mean. They’re ugly. And they taste like ass. I suppose that they are Oceania’s equivalent of cats. How else could idiot Aussie parents name their children Heathcliff ?
10. Outback Steakhouse. Is this a dinner experience or a Monster’s Ball? You can have the bloomin onion to put you to sleep with its 3000 calories (sodium thiopental), drink about 50 Foster’s beers to paralyze your muscles (pancuronium bromide) and top it all off with some abominable $14 steaks that will stop your heart faster than potassium chloride. Maybe this penal colony wasn’t so bad after all. Only I’m not a convict. Yet.
11. Westfield. Probably Australia’s biggest conglomerate after News Corp., everywhere you go there’s a Westfield shopping mall waiting to take your suburbanite money. I spend so much in Century City that I feel like I’m living on top of broke-ass mountain. Especially in West Hollywood.
So there you have it. Australia sucks big-time monkey privates. Print that out and snort it with a stingray barb.
Helga Mohammed el-Salami