-----Original Message-----
FROM: Helga Mohammed el-Salami
SENT: Feb 16 2008 12:00AM
SUBJECT:As Species Evolve, This Newsletter Hibrenates
Greetings infidels.
It’s Helga Mohammed el-Salmi, Liquid Generation’s eulogizing uncircumcised pre-operative transsexual and as I write this on February 12th, in the year of our lord and divine savior Jesus H. Christ, 2008, we at Liquid Generation prepare to celebrate the 199th birthday of one Charles Robert Darwin, a British naturalist most famous for marrying his first cousin.
Since old Bearded D., (as he was known in the ghetto) also contributed the expression "natural selection" to the lexicon, we thought we’d celebrate our own version of said selection by informing you of an endangered species that is temporarily going extinct. This Newsletter.
Yes, you read correctly. After 385 weeks of bringing you the best of the Internet, our venerable newsletter shall go the way of the mastodon in an Indian village on March 1st, in the year of your lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ, 2008. No longer will you wake up on Saturday mornings and rush eagerly to your computer to be amused by the ravings of Liquid Generation’s lunatics. Please collect yourself and let me explain.
No, we are not going on strike in protest of the writers ending theirs. No, we have not unionized to protest inhumane working conditions that would make Upton Sinclair spew his undigested cookies. Nor are we succumbing to incessant harassment by lawyers for Joe Francis, Courtney Love or Scientology. We are however, succumbing to a brave new world. Just like smokers are persecuted to the ends of Hades, which I hear has recently become smoke-free, bulk mailers are stuffed into the bit-bucket equivalent with an electronic Cerberus waiting at the router level to turn our electrons into plasma. No matter how quadruple to the 9th power opt-in you try to keep your lists, a bunch of clowns who routinely release games about boobs and then editorialize on the merits of Darwinian incest stand no chance of getting past the dullards poring over traffic at Hotmail. Until, at least, such time as the mailer bribes Microsoft with sender score bonds or EMAIL_IDs or whatever racket they come up with next.
So be it.
But you have not seen our extinction quite yet. Indeed, unlike the mega fauna that was too stupid to survive people who traded Manhattan Island for some beads, we are turning into spores. In this state, we will survive for eons with no food or water beyond a Chipotle Burrito every couple of days and when the time is right, we shall release our full potential like avian influenza in a chicken shack. The fittest will survive and judging by how fat and ugly most everyone is, we at Liquid Generation are a hell of a lot more fit than all of you.
Love,
Helga Mohammed el-Salami
P.S. This is the third to the last newsletter, so savior it.